My drinking was not daily, often I didn’t drink for months, but when I did decide to pull a cork, it was almost like being possessed. Binge doesn’t really describe it. Self-destruct would be more appropriate as a description. I was on a mission, I wasn’t consciously trying to kill myself but wanting to be free of worry, doubt, low self-esteem, and to be thought of as fun, and after the first couple, that is exactly the feeling I got.
At 40, working, with a husband and two children, I suppose I was just normal, but with this incredibly and completely dangerous fault. A brain fault. I didn’t ever crave it, but on the occasions, it happened there was just a sheer determination to go for it to the max.
Friends just took it as my thing, thought for the most part it was funny, but I didn’t, and nor did my husband, who, when it happened either lost his shit, or was hopelessly confused.
So going to see a professional about the issue seemed silly, after all I couldn’t really explain that I was dependent, the GP I mentioned it to said, ‘Well, we all have blow outs from time to time’, so what was I? I couldn’t label myself as alcoholic, dependent, habitual or out of control.
The fact remained though on these sessions potentially I think I could have either killed myself, or caused some serious damage. So for five years it just tapped away at me, almost daily, and that was the worst of it, even though the act happened irregularly, it just preyed on my mind.
I had googled my ‘type’ and found little to compare it to. Another acquaintance in London suggested I contacted Harrogate Sanctuary, as one of her friends who did drink daily had been, and seemed to have transformed her view of alcohol. So I did, with a sort of lackadaisical approach.
There was just something that Sarah said that made sense, and gave me the drive to see her. She was just so non-judgemental and somehow unscripted.
Meeting her was not nerve racking in fact quite the opposite, and she has so much experience most especially with women, that without hesitation I decided that the cost, compared to the invaluable support and advice was a mere bagatelle in the grand scheme.
I didn’t want a drink throughout the programme, but that wasn’t unusual, the clever bit was that I didn’t want a drink again! Since last October, the thought of it has been an utter turn off. She gave me my respect back, put me at the top of the pecking order, and not in a selfish way, but made my brain realise that I was pivotal and unique.
Thank you, dearest Sarah, and I am more than happy to recommend this modern and open method whatever your particular issue, she seems to see right through it!!
